This month's blog post is taken from an actual date that I witnessed. I felt so badly for the woman on this date, who was doing almost everything right, but, was not treated well by her date.
I was out to dinner with my husband, and seated next to us were a couple on their first date. It was clear that the couple had never met in person before this date. As, tables in New York are close together, I overheard most of this couple's conversation.
She arrived first at the restaurant and was already seated at the table when her date arrived. Though, it is always good form to be on-time for dates, I would have recommended waiting outside, or in a waiting area near the host or the restaurant's bar instead of at the table.
The date seemed to go fine at first. The woman was polite, interested in what her date had to say, and shared appropriate details about herself and her background (family, college, jobs). Her date shared similar details about himself and seemed somewhat interested in what his date had to say. There were moments that they laughed and seemed to enjoy one another.
Then, all of a sudden the date took a turn for the worse. The man stated that he had been engaged to a woman in the past, they had broken up, and he had been devastated. He went on to say that during that period in his life he was sleeping around A LOT (questionable first date conversation.) And, then he dropped a bomb. He added that he and his fiancé are getting back together, now. What?!
How could this be true? What was he doing on this first date? My guess is that he was not getting back together with his ex-fiancé, but, rather, that he was not attracted to the woman on this date. The woman on the date handled this news with grace and dignity, but, she was clearly thrown. What a waste of her time! She was dressed up, put together, laughing at his jokes, asking good questions, sharing information, only to be dumped while on a first date.
How can you prevent this from happening to you?
The truth is, it may not be possible to predict exactly how a first date will go. But, with the right tools you will be able to have a good sense of the person you are dating and how they will behave towards you in the future.
In the early stages of dating, think of yourself as a data collector--always observing and making mental notes of your date's behavior. It is the best way to know who this person really is and to decide if you want to continue dating this person. For example, walking together to the table at the restaurant allows you to see how your date interacts with the host, with you, if he waits to see if you like the table before sitting, etc. Just this small event can provide you with data that tells you if your date is gracious and polite, or, entitled and demanding.
Does your date talk about past conquests as this man did? This indicates insecurity, a need to boast, and a disregard for your feelings. Data like that tells you what treatment to expect in the future, as well.
We should be on our best behavior on a first date, presenting our best self. The woman on this date did this. The man on this date did not. And, though, her feelings were hurt by being rejected in this early stage, so much of the data indicated that this man would be a thoughtless partner in the future. Better to collect data early so that you can move on to a better choice for your next date.
If you would like more tips and advice for dating well and finding love, I offer personalized Dating Coaching and Counseling for Women sessions. Contact me or book an appointment here.